EXCERPTS
Audrey Wilkes, 2, says she took a break from smashing a red crayon into her Barbie’s neck this morning and made a few calls to ensure that her future child, who will likely be born sometime around 2045, gets placed on the waiting list now for the local daycare centre.
“Take long time!” Wilkes shouts as she throws her dad’s iPhone into the toilet and furiously pushes a Fisher Price lawnmower down her parents’ front hallway before inexplicably throwing up purple and turquoise glitter.
“I think she’s making a really smart and responsible decision,” says Audrey’s father, Gareth Wilkes. “I think she’s taking ownership of her future, and I respect that. If I’d known how long it takes to get a goddamn daycare spot in Toronto, I would have got Audrey onto a waitlist sometime in the Mesozoic era, or at least toward the end of the Paleozoic. Anything after that and you’re really playing with fire.”
Gareth says he’s also encouraging his daughter to start saving for her future child’s daycare costs now.
“The other day we were walking home from the aquarium and Audrey found a loonie on the sidewalk,” he recalls. “So that went straight into my future grandchild’s daycare fund, which at this point is just a New Balance shoebox. I mean, who knows if Audrey will even want kids when she grows up? Still, you really can’t mess around with this stuff.”
Thea Hargraves, administrator of Toronto’s Littlewood Daycare Centre, says she can’t guarantee that Audrey’s future offspring will get a spot by September 2047, the requested time.
Hargraves sucks a stream of air in through her teeth for 25 seconds before responding.
“Unfortunately, Audrey’s cut it a bit close,” she explains. “If you want a daycare spot for 2047, you really should have called by January of 2008.”
-reprinted from CBC Punchline